For Your Consideration

my formal application to sweetgreen, inc.

Ilana Gilovich

Jul 27, 2023

July 27, 2023

To Whom It May Concern,

My name is Ilana Gilovich-Wave, and I am interested in applying to your open position at sweetgreen.

… Which position, you ask?! I’m not too fussy.

All I know is that each time I see those six core values emblazoned on your walls, my heart swells and I find myself resisting the urge to recite the Pledge of Allegiance at full volume.

Whenever I pass a sweetgreen on the street and see that saucy lowercase font with its green-and-white proclamation of freshness, I pay due homage by standing at attention. This ritual regularly holds up traffic and angers my fellow pedestrians… small prices to pay for my undying fealty to sweetgreen.

Your company provides compostable bowls, cups, and cutlery, which— I say with the utmost respect— is metal as all hell. Each time I hear the elegant swish of my sweetgreen bowl hitting your compost-friendly receptacle, I take a moment to do one of the following:

A. Aggressively fist-pump the air

B. Flick my wrists as if making a basket, while shouting “Jordan!”

C. Attempt to high-five the nearest employees and customers

None of the above actions are met with enthusiasm. In fact, I’d go as far as to say that my composting fervor is greeted with nothing short of scorn. Yet I persist, out of love for the Harvest Bowl (extra sweet potatoes, please).

But I digress. Regarding the job: in addition to my clear devotion to your company, I will also bring my experience as a strategist to any sweetgreen role. I do not identify as a “Brand Strategist” per se, but I have exhibited invaluable strategic wiliness when enlisting friends to enable— ahem, support— my sweetgreen obsession.

Friends often suggest dining out at en vogue spots like Bad Roman, or Daniel, or Lilia. I pretend to consider these inferior options, then— in an Oscar-worthy performance— appear to undergo an epiphany.

“What about spending some time in nature? We can get… I dunno… sweetgreen maybe, and eat in the park instead?”

When applied conscientiously, this tactic of shaming one’s friends into spending more time outdoors works every time. Indeed, my friends are under the impression that I am One With Nature. They liken me to Al Gore and Greta Thunberg. I do not correct these impressions; my profile as a staunch environmentalist is essential to my work as an unpaid sweetgreen strategist.

To date, I have put in hundreds of hours coercing friends to go to parks in lieu of fine dining establishments. One might say that I am single-handedly taking down the Big Restaurant industry.

At this point it’s clear that I would make a valuable asset to your team. However, if you need further persuading… just think dollars and cents. It’s a prudent financial move for you to invest in a sweetgreen addict who will invariably return all of her hard-earned cash to you. I can assure you that the vast majority of my salary will make its way, with alarming speed, back into your coffers.

Are you familiar with the age-old caution: “Don’t get high on your own supply?” I know this statement rhymes, which is compelling. But allow me to counter this maxim with another, equally compelling rhyme: “Do get a bowl from your own payroll.”**

… I rest my case. Please review my attached documentation, including: a CV (irrelevant), letters of recommendation (irrelevant), and five years of sweetgreen receipts as a loyal customer (highly relevant).

Thank you for your consideration.

In Salad We Trust,

Ilana Gilovich-Wave

**Could not find anything that rhymed with “salad”